Martin reveals America's favorite free arcade-style games, and why Ms. Pac Man is a lousy date.

My anthropology Ph.D. thesis advisor, Dr. Kwame Jeyifo, had a theory that you can learn a lot about a nation by looking at the free games the people of that nation download off the Internet. Of course, he was a poststructuralist and we all know how they are. Regardless, let's see what we can glean about America by inspecting the top five arcade-style games people downloaded last week from Download.com.

  1. Last week, of course, was the Fourth of July holiday, and more than 4,000 American computer losers celebrated Independence Day the old-fashioned way, by blowing off illegal firecrackers.

    In Natomi Bottle Rockets Extreme, the object is to destroy spaceships using bottle rockets. It's fun, but just remember, kids, that if a bottle rocket can destroy a space vessel from a civilization that's clearly more advanced than our own, just think what a bottle rocket will do if it explodes in your fingers.

  2. I can never decide what I like more: foul-mouthed, flatulent schoolboys or Italian-American plumbers who eat magic mushrooms.

    Well, I don't have to decide if I play this 'South Park' version of the arcade classic "Super Mario Brothers." More than 7,000 people downloaded this game last week. Instead of Mario or Luigi, you play Kyle or one of the other "South Park" hooligans. But beware, the game is buggy as all get out and tries to mess with your system. I cannot recommend it. There, I said it.

  3. Dr. Kwame Jeyifo used to say that people play computer games in part because they can become something they've always wanted to be. A wizard. A god. A fighter pilot. A beer truck driver.

    In Beer Truck 1.0, you steal a beer truck and try to get it back to your trailer without getting nabbed by the fuzz and tossed in the hoosegow. More than 7,800 people downloaded it last week. The gameplay is primitive, akin to "Spy Hunter" after slugging a sixer of Coors light, chasing each one with some Jaeger. Man, that brings me back to when I lived with my mom.

  4. No. 2 is a shocker. Apparently, we Americans are pining for a simpler time, unencumbered by the weight of enjoyable videogames.

    That's the only possible explanation for why more than 8,000 people downloaded this really crappy version of Pac-Man. This version came out over 20 years after the original, yet it is to Pac-Man as Zinjanthropus man is to homo sapien man.

    The only worthwhile twist in this version is that if your Pac-Man drinks a beer, he gets drunk and becomes difficult to control. And believe me, a drunk Pac-Man is messy. One time I had to hold Ms. Pac Man's hair back while she was puking in my toilet and it wasn't cool. We didn't have a second date, believe you me.

  5. More than 14,000 people downloaded the original Grand Theft Auto last week. The object of the game is to complete missions while car-jacking innocent drivers and smacking into any pedestrian in your path. You actually get points for running over people. It's disgusting.

    I mean, wake up America. Why are you wasting your time on this old version of "Grand Theft Auto" when there is so much more potential for killing and spilling blood in "Grand Theft Auto 3"?