Computer giant IBM announced this week that it has developed the world's fastest computer, putting it back on top after a Japanese supercomputer claimed the title some two years ago. Yes, it seems America's patented mix of know-how, moxie and gumption has put us right back in the number one spot where we belong.
Supercomputer, eh? One must wonder what exactly makes a supercomputer super? IBM says its Blue Gene/L supercomputer is eight times faster than the competition, and consumes 28 times less power per computation than other leading supercomputers. It even surpassed NEC Corp.'s Earth Simulator Center as the world's most powerful computer. Hmmm. Yeah, I guess that is pretty super. Touché, Japan…touché.
This got us thinking about other things that could make a computer super. Here’s some stuff we came up with:
Built-in printer. How fly would that be? And why has no one thought of this? Think about how many printers you’ve bought over the years, only to have them inevitably breakdown. If a computer was really calling itself super, then they better damn well spit out my work onto a shiny piece of paper seconds after I am finished with it.
3-D screen. C’mon man, we’ve had 3-D technology since the ‘50s. Jaws was in 3-D at one point, for crying out loud! If you computer whizzes can’t whip me up a fully functional 3-D computer screen, then what good are ya? I’ll even wear the dorky glasses, just make my icons come flying at me like Oprah to a deli platter. This isn’t rocket science! Get me into the third dimension NOW!!!!
Cape. Doesn’t every reputable superhero have a cape? Superman and Hawkman do, bi-atch, so you better get crackin’ and go find some cloth and stitch yourself a cool looking cloak before someone mistakes you as part of Aquaman’s crew or a Wonder Woman focus group and you get your ass kicked.
The power of telekinesis. If you really wanna be super, you better be able to read minds. This was you can tell your user what he’s thinking before they make any fatal mistakes. “Indent, you idiot!” “I said launch, not lunch!” “Haven’t you watched enough porn today?” “Turn me off, she’s coming!” See how useful that would be? So, what am I thinking now? Yes…..yes….that’s it. You got it. The number 4. Very good…
Crime fighting. Let’s get real here. No one has any right to call themselves super if they ain’t out fighting crime. Love him or hate him, but Superman took the word super and made it synonymous with thwarting bad guys. So much so, that all other crime fighters (even ones without any actual powers, like that pussy Batman) have since been called superheroes. So when I put my computer to “sleep” at night, I wanna rest safe knowing that he’s sneaking out the window to go battle injustice, right wrongs, and kick some criminal ass!
Sound advice. If my computer is so fast and all-knowing, how about helping me out with the rest of my friggin’ life? I’d like to know if that special girl is worth the $150 bucks I’m about to shell out for our one month anniversary dinner? I wanna know how to get my TV remote to work. I wanna know I’m as good looking as I think I am from the perspective of an inanimate object with some sass. C’mon dude, help a brotha out here.
Be a friend. Aren’t friends super? If my computer could do my taxes, whisk me through the wonders of the World Wide Web, harness my e-mail prowess AND be my best friend? Well, I think we all can safely agree the world would be a better place and I would finally have someone to unload all my long-winded tales of the emotional struggle to be me. And that, my friends, would indeed be super.
Thank you. Good night.
